Queen of Swords

QoS Episode 2 ~ The Five Love Languages

February 17, 2023 Eva Sawyer Season 1 Episode 2
Queen of Swords
QoS Episode 2 ~ The Five Love Languages
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Get ready to take a walk on the lighter side of love with the Queen of Swords podcast! Join host Eva, a 42-year-old mother of six and full-time tarot reader with over 25 years of experience, as she tackles the ups and downs of relationships with a hefty dose of humor. From navigating the complexities of twin flames to the craziness of online dating and everything in between, the Queen of Swords covers it all. So, whether you're searching for your soulmate or just looking for a good laugh, tune in to the Queen of Swords and let's journey through the world of relationships together!

In this week's episode we dive into the five love languages and the impact that they can have on your relationship.

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Head over to www.queenofswordspodcast.com for the show notes!

INTRO: Welcome to the Queen of Swords, the podcast where we take on relationship drama like a boss. Are you tired of being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or just plain confused? Well, grab a glass of wine, put on your favorite sweatpants, and join me, the one and only Queen of Swords as I take you on a journey through the ups and downs of modern dating and relationships with some relatable anecdotes, and a little bit of tough love. I'm going to help you navigate the tricky waters of love, lust, and everything in between. So whether you're single in a relationship or it's complicated, join us every other week as we laugh, cry, and learn to slay the dating game like the queens that we are. Let's get started.

TOPIC INTRO: Today’s topic originated from a conversation with a client named Anna. She came to me frustrated with her partner. “So Zach and I have been together for about a year. He's a great guy, but he doesn't say, I love you very often. He brings me flowers, bought me a new car, and otherwise treats me really well. But I can't help but think. He doesn't say, I love you because he doesn't love me. Why doesn't he just say it all the time like I do?” Another person I spoke to asked “what happens to the love?” A little confused. I asked her what she meant. “Well,” she said, “I've been in a ton of relationships and things always start out really great, but then it all goes so wrong. All the love I've had for them and that they've had for me just poof, disappears. I don't think I've changed, but all of a sudden, every conversation turns into a fight. So what happened?” Well, the simple answer is communication. . The truth of it is, is that in both of these situations, they're speaking totally different love languages. It leaves people frustrated because it's like you are speaking French and he's speaking Chinese, but neither one of you has a translator. There are major language groups, Chinese, Italian, Spanish, Greek, etc. We learn from the people and events in our childhood, and it's what we're most comfortable with. So when we meet someone new and they're in a different group, it's like learning a whole new language. It's gonna be clunky and awkward at first, but the more that you put into it, the easier it gets. Very rarely does a couple have the same love language. We tend to speak in our primary love language, but they just aren't able to translate it. But there is hope, recognizing a need to learn what makes your partner tick is the first step in creating a loving and lasting relationship.

WHAT ARE LOVE LANGUAGES: So what are love languages? Love languages are five different ways that people express and receive love. They were first introduced in the early 1990s by a gentleman by the name of Dr. Gary Chapman, and he wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. He argues that each person has a primary love language and that understanding and speaking your partner's love language can improve your relationship. Very briefly, the five love Languages are words of Affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time. Now, I know you're probably thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa, Eva. I thought love was just love. Well, let me tell you, love can be many things, but for the purposes of this podcast, we're gonna focus on these five love languages.

WHY ARE LOVE LANGUAGES IMPORTANT: So why is it important to know what your love language? Knowing your love language can help you understand how you express and receive love, and how to communicate your needs and desires to your partner. For example, if your love language is physical touch, you may feel loved and appreciated when your partner holds your hand, gives you a hug or even cuddles with you. On the other hand, if your partner's love language is acts of service, they may feel loved and appreciated when you do something practical for them, like cook their favorite meal or help with housework. Can you see where this can get really confusing? That's why it's important to know your love language and your partner's love language. So how do you figure out what that love language is? One of the best ways is to take a love language quiz, and if you head over to our website in the show notes, we're gonna have some great downloads for you. One of these downloads is going to be a love language quiz. Print out a couple copies, one for you, one for your partner so you can finally get on the same page. You can also buy Dr. Chapman's book, the Five Love Languages, how to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, and there's gonna be a link there for you to purchase your own copy. Little word of warning. It is an affiliate link, so it supports the show when you purchase through that link.

LANGUAGE #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Okay, so now we're gonna dig into each of the five love languages, and the first one we're gonna talk about is gonna be words of affirmation. Now, for this, I'm actually gonna read directly out of Dr. Chapman's book, if you flip to Page 40, you'll find where I'm gonna go over this. And this is probably the best way to explain this one, because this is a situation that I hear time and time again, when I speak with clients. So in this, Dr. Chapman is speaking with a female client. She has come in and asked for his advice. She says, Dr. Chapman, “I've got a problem. I can't get my husband to paint our bedroom. I've been after him for months now. I've tried everything I know and I just can't get him to.” . So I said, "tell me about it.” She said, “well, last Saturday was a good example. You remember how nice it was outside. You know what my husband did all day long? He washed and waxed the car. “So what did you do?” “ Well, I went out there and I said, Bob, I don't understand you. Today would've been a perfect day to paint the bedroom and here you are, washing and waxing the car.” “So did he paint the bedroom?” I asked, “No, it's still not painted, and I just dunno what to do.” “Well, let me ask you a question.” I said, “are you opposed to clean waxed cars?” “No, but I want the bedroom painted.” “Are you certain that your husband knows that you want the bedroom painted?” “I know he does. I mean I've been after him for nine months.” “Okay. Let me ask you one more question. Does your husband ever do anything good?” “Like what?” “Oh, like taking the garbage out or getting bugs off the windshield of the car you drive, putting gas in the car, paying the electric bill, or even just hanging up his coat?” “ Well, yes, of course he does some of those.” “Then I have two suggestions. One, don't ever mention painting the bedroom again. Don't mention it again.” “Well, I don't see how that's gonna help.” She said. “Look, you just told me he knows that you want the bedroom painted. You don't have to tell him anymore. He already knows. The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a compliment. If he takes the garbage out, say, Bob, I want you to know that I really appreciate you taking out the garbage. Don't say about time you took the garbage out the flies were gonna carry it out for you. If you see him paying the electric bill, put your hand on his shoulder and say, Bob, I really appreciate you paying the electric bill. I hear there are husbands who don't do that, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it. Every time he does something good, give him a verbal compliment. “ “Well, I don't see how that's gonna get the bedroom painted” I said, “You asked for my advice. You have it. It's free.” She wasn't very happy with me when she left, but three weeks later she came back to my office and she said it worked. She had learned the verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words. Honestly, I can't tell you how many times I see this one myself and think about it - If somebody is harping on you constantly “Do this, do this, do this, do this, do this” … After a while, don't you just sort of get to the point where you're like, well, I'm just not gonna do it on principle. Now everybody wants to feel like they're doing a good job and people who their love language is words of affirmation, these are people that really need the encouragement the most. They wanna hear that they're doing a good job. They wanna hear that you're proud of them. This is what motivates them to be the best version of themselves.

LANGUAGE #2: QUALITY TIME Next, we're gonna talk about one of the most important ingredients in any successful relationship - love language #2, quality time. You know what they say? It's not the quantity of time you spend with someone that matters. it’s the quality. You can spend 24 /7 with someone, but if you're not present and engaged in the moment, it's not gonna mean very much. Think about it like a gourmet meal. You could eat an entire pizza by yourself, but it's not gonna be as satisfying as a carefully crafted three course meal shared with someone you love. Quality time is the caviar of relationships. So what exactly is quality time? Well, that's when you give someone your undivided attention and focus on making the most of the time that you're spending together with them. It's about putting away your phone, turning off the tv, and really just connecting with each. Quality time doesn't have to be big or expensive either. It can be as simple as going for a walk together, cooking a meal together, or just sitting and chatting over a cup of coffee. The key is to make the most of the time that you have and to make sure it's meaningful and enjoyable. . It's also important to remember that everyone has a different idea of what quality time might mean, so have open and honest conversations with each other about what quality time means to you both and to make sure that you're both getting what you need from your time together.

LANGUAGE #3: GIFT GIVING Okay, let's talk about love language number three, gift giving. Gift giving is one of those sort of timeless expressions of love and affection. It's a way to show someone that you care and that you were thinking of them, but it's important to remember, not all gifts are created equal. A thoughtful personal gift is worth more than a thousand generic ones. Gift giving is, really at the heart of it, all about the thought that goes into it. It's not about how much money you spend, but about how much effort and consideration you put into choosing something that's really meaningful and specific to the person you're giving it. For example, a little trinket that holds a special memory for the two of you is much more valuable than a diamond. That's why gifts can be such a powerful tool in expressing love, especially if it's somebody's primary love language. If you know that your partner's love language is gifts, It's important to show them love and affection through thoughtful personal gifts. Surprise them with something you know that they'll love. It might be a new book from their favorite author, tickets to their favorite band or concerts, but it's more than that. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your partner's primary love language is in receiving. I recently talked to a woman who was upset because after her mother died, her husband sort of pulled back. He went back to going to work - life as usual. And what she failed to recognize, which is understandable in her grief, was that in the week up to her mother's death her husband took the week off from work. He spent the whole week at the hospital and helping out at the mother's house and doing chores and cleaning stuff up, and helping out with getting all of the preparations made. But when it came to after the funeral, he kind of felt like he had done everything that he was able to do to help. And so that's why he sort of pulled back and went back to life as usual. He thought that he had done everything that he could for her, but what he was not understanding was just how important sometimes it is to have just somebody's personal presence there. This past week, my stepfather passed. And there's a lot of feelings that float around, and for me, it was important, even if I'm not ready to talk about it yet, just to know that my husband is there and that he understands and that he's my rock and my support if I need it.

LANGUAGE #4: ACTS OF SERVICE Now we're on to love language number four, and this one is acts of service. Acts of service is all about doing things for your partner that show that you love and appreciate them. It's about taking care of their needs, doing the little things that make their life easier. It's the love language of action, and it speaks volumes. Think about it like this. A simple gesture like doing the dishes or folding the laundry can mean more to someone whose love language is acts of service than some grand romantic gesture. It's all about showing how much you love them through your actions, not just your words. It's important though to make sure that you're doing the right acts of service. Just because you're doing something for your partner doesn't necessarily mean that it's something that they really want or need. It's important to make sure that you're communicating with your partner to make sure that you're doing the things that they actually want and need. For example, if your partner's always complaining about how they just never have enough time to keep the house clean, then doing a deep clean of the entire house could be the perfect act of service. On the other hand, if they really love food, making them breakfast in bed might be a more meaningful act of service to them. Acts of service is also about going above and beyond. It's about doing things that your partner wouldn't expect you to do, like filling up their car with gas or taking care of something while they're away. It's about making their life easier and still showing them that you care. I had a client come to me once and she complained that her boyfriend wasn't saying that he loved her enough, but when he knew that she had a hard day at work, he would have dinner on the table. He would have a bubble bath drawn for her. His love language was acts of service, and so for him, it seemed like natural things to do to let her know how much he loved her. So when I have clients come to me that say things like this, The first thing that I tell them is, okay, but what other ways is he showing you how he feels about you? It's not just about the words. And yes, the words are very important, but you also have to look at the entire package. You have to look at what is he doing to make you feel protected, safe, and cared for.

 LANGUAGE #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH And then we have our final love language, and that is number five, physical touch. Physical touch is a really powerful way of expressing your love and your affection. It's about how we use our bodies to connect with our partner and how we show them how much we care. It can be a hug, a kiss, holding their hand, a cuddle, whichever it is. Physical touch can speak volumes, but why is physical touch such an important love language? Some might argue that it's the most important love language. Well, for starters, it's universal. Physical touch is a language that we can all understand regardless of where we're from or what languages we speak. It's something that it transcends cultures and borders, and it's a language that connects everybody on the planet regardless of who they are. Physical touch is a way to communicate both emotional and physical support. If you're in the middle of an anxiety attack or you're sad or you're stressed, a hug from somebody that you love can be incredibly comforting and it can really help to soothe those feelings. It's a way for them to tell you that they're there for you and that they care. And let's not forget about the physical benefits of touch. Touch has been scientifically shown to have a positive effect on both our physical and our emotional wellbeing. It can lower stress levels, it can improve our mood, it can even boost our immune system. But physical touch is more than just a way of expressing love and affection. It's also a way of building intimacy and connection with our partner. Physical touch can deepen the emotional bond between two people, and it helps to create that sense of intimacy and closeness. For example, just holding hands with your partner while you're up for a walk could be a simple and powerful way to express how you feel. It's showing your partner that you are there for them and that you’re together. Another example is cuddling. Cuddling is a simple, yet intimate way of expressing how you feel. It's a way of showing your partner that you are there and you're connected with them. Cuddling can help to deepen the intimacy bond between two people, and it really creates that emotional closeness that so many people crave. There's another aspect to the physical touch love language that a lot of people consider taboo or don't think that it's important to discuss. But it's absolutely important in creating a loving relationship, and that is sex. Now, let's get one thing straight. Sex is not the be all and all of a relationship. There are a lot of other factors that contribute to a healthy and happy relationship, like communication, trust, mutual respect. But sex is a vital part of any loving relationship, and it plays a really important role in creating an emotional connection to your partner. So why is sex so important? Well, for starters, it helps to build intimacy and emotional connection. It's a physical expression of your partner's love, and it helps to deepen that bond between you. It's a way of communicating with your partner without words, which helps to create a sense of closeness and let's not forget the physical benefits of sex. Sex releases a hormone called oxytocin, which a lot of people call the love hormone. It's been shown to increase feelings of happiness, reduce stress, and improve mood. It's also shown to increase feelings of trust and attachment between partners, but at the heart of its sex is also about physical pleasure and enjoyment. It's about feeling good and about exploring your sexuality with your partner. it's an opportunity to connect on a physical level and experience new and exciting things together. So how do you make sure that that sexual component is positive and enjoyable in your relationship? Well, it goes back to, the heart of any issue in a relationship, and that's communication. It's important to be able to have honest and open conversations with your partner about what you need, about what you desire, what your boundaries are. It's also important to listen to your partner and to respect what they're looking for. It's important to make sure that sex is a priority in a relationship. Now that doesn't mean putting out on the second date or, you know, jumping straight into bed with a new partner. What it means is making sure that it's an important component in the relationship by making time and it's, it's really hard in this day and age, especially for our sex lives to take a backseat to other things like work and kids and household chores, but it's really important that you're carving out that time for your partner. When I was married the first time, my husband and I, we worked opposite shifts. He worked the graveyard shift. I worked first shift. We had a small child and we actually went for about a year where we didn't really have any sex, and that was really, really hard on our relationship for both of us, for me especially, because I need to feel attractive. I need to feel that that physical touch, physical touch is was one of my love languages and for me it brought up all of these feelings that, am I not attractive enough? Is there somebody else? And those doubts then lead to mistrust, and it can cause a whole cascade of problems in a relationship. So it's important that you're connecting to your partner on a physical level.

THE FUN BEGINS… Okay, so this is where the fun begins. Now that you have sorted out what your love language is and what your partner's love language is, it's time to kind of put that knowledge into action . Think of it like when you are learning a new language. Do you remember when we were in school and they made us choose between like French and Spanish? And you know, at the beginning it's all very overwhelming and awkward and unnatural, but the more that you practiced, the more that you learned, the better that you would get at it. Well, it's the same with love languages and the best part is your partner is going to love that you're taking the time to learn their love language . So here are a couple of little tips. If their love language is words of affirmation, tell them how much you love and appreciate them. Write them a love letter. Give them a compliment. Tell them how special they are to you or how proud you are of them. If their love language is acts of service, you can do something practical. Cook their favorite meal, wash the car. Help them with something that they have really been dreading around the. . I hate laundry, and so it means tons to me. When my husband will take the initiative to throw the laundry in, put it in the dryer, fold it for me, put it away, that means so much more to me than a million half-hearted. I love yous. If their love language is receiving gifts, surprise 'em with a thoughtful present. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, just something that shows that you care and that you're thinking of them. In one of my very first serious relationships, I had a boyfriend that every Friday afternoon he would leave me a little card in my car at work going, “Hey, I hope you had a really great week. I was thinking of you. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you.” And that means so much. If your love language is physical touch. , show them affection through hugs, cuddles, even holding hands while you're going out for a walk after dinner. And if their love language is quality time, it's one-on-one time with them. Free from distractions. It's watching a favorite movie, playing a favorite game, going on a date. Going on a date is a big one. Too many people don't have date night in their relationships, and it can have a really profound impact. If you carve out that time, even if it's just once every two weeks, to just get out of the house, away from work, away from kids, away from chores, you know, away from everything where you can just connect as a couple.

 LOVE LANGUAGES DON’T MATCH? So what do you do when you and your partner are speaking two different love languages? One of you might be all about physical touch the other is all about words of affirmation, or maybe you are a fan of acts of service while your partner's all about gifts. Whatever the difference is, it can definitely cause some road bumps, but it doesn't mean that it can't be fixed. So before you throw in the towel in your relationship, let's talk about how to navigate these differences. First thing is that it's really important to understand and respect each other's love languages. Take the time to read the book, take the quiz, learn about your partner's love language, and about what makes them feel loved and appreciated. This can be a really fun opportunity for you to get to know each other better. It doesn't have to be deep and dark and serious. Next, it's really important to communicate. Let your partner know what your love language is and what makes you feel loved and appreciated. Women lately seem to have this idea and it, I'm not sure where it comes from, but that men should just know. And I hear it all the time, “I shouldn't have to tell him. He should just know.” Here's the thing, people don't know what they don't know, and if you don't make your expectations and what you need clear, then you can't really get upset with them when they don't provide that for you. So communication is so key. Don't be afraid to try new things. Just because your partner's love language isn't what you're used to, doesn't mean that you can't still use it to show love and affection for them. For example, if your partner loves gift giving, Surprise him with a thoughtful present. Every now and then, I think you'll find that it really does a lot to bring you closer together. Now, what if your partner's love language is just so completely different from you? It's like different planets. Well, this is where compromise comes in. It's not always possible for both of you to have your love language meant all of the time, but you can find a happy medium by mixing and matching your love languages. If, for example, if you are all about physical touch, but your partner's all about acts of service, try getting a massage together or relaxing bath together after a day of running errands, you'll both get your love languages met and you'll have a lot of fun doing it. Navigating different love languages with your partner can take some effort, but it is definitely worth it by understanding and respecting each other's love languages, being really communicative, open to trying new things, and most of all being willing to compromise. You'll be able to show love and affection in a way that works for both of you at the end of the day. A lot has changed since Chapman's book came out in the nineties. We're so tied now to our phones, and our computers and our devices that if there's any free time, we are usually on those devices and my husband and I aren't any different. There are some nights where, you know, we'll be in the living room together. He's on his end on Facebook. I'm on the other end on Instagram. The TV's going in the background. and we're in the same space, but we're not together and we're not connecting as a couple. Technology interference is a real thing, and sometimes you have to make really conscious effort to take that time to unplug, to put down the phone, to be with each other. As life changes and happens, what we need can change too. It's always a good idea to retake the love language quiz every couple of years. Or if you're still dating and not married, then anytime you start a new relationship is a good time to do it. We've been led from the time we were young to believe that if we're really in love, that that's all it takes, that it's gonna last forever. But the truth is it takes a lot of work to keep love. . Once the euphoria of falling in love starts to fade, that's when we start to really assert ourselves and express our desires, even if they aren't the same. So maybe your partner wants more sex, but you are tired. She wants to spend time with her friends, and you say, “sounds like you love your friends more than you love me.” Little by little as the relationship grows and it evolves the illusion fades and we become face-to-face with what it is that we really think and want. You can only maintain that facade, that honeymoon phase that you have in the beginning. So it's important, like I said, a bazillion times to have that communication to know what each other want and need. I see so many times where people, they don't talk about these things and then they get married. Two years down the road, they're like, “I don't, I don't get it. Why did we get together? Why did we get married? We don't agree on anything. We don't have anything in common.” That is why these conversations are so important early on. So in a future episode, actually later in March, we're gonna be talking about some more communication skills, and that's gonna be something that's really important. Now, this episode will also sort of tie in for a lot of you ladies out to the March 17th episode where we're gonna talk about things that men wish you knew. And for this, I actually went and I talked to men and I talked to them about the things that frustrate them, about women that they wish that women knew, so that they could stop doing it. So I think that this is a good place for us to wrap up this week, and I will see you guys in two weeks. 

Love Languages Intro
What Are Love Languages?
Why Are Love Languages Important
#1: Words of Affirmation & Encouragement
#2: Quality Time
#3: Gifts
#4: Acts of Service
#5: Physical Touch
Now The Fun Begins...
What If Your Love Languages Don't Match?
Wrap Up