QoS Episode 4 ~ What Men Wish You Knew

In this episode, we dive into the mind of men and explore what they wish women knew. We discuss the unique communication styles of men and how they differ from women, as well as their thoughts on cheating and sex. We also explore what men look for before and during a relationship, including the qualities and behaviors that attract them and how they express their love and affection. Whether you're a man or a woman, you won't want to miss this insightful and revealing look into the male perspective on relationships and love. Tune in now to gain a deeper understanding of the male psyche and unlock the secrets to successful relationships.

Trigger Warnings: Light cursing, discussion of abortion and transgender issues as well as political ideology of some of the men surveyed. These are in the last part of the episode, and you can skip over the chapter marked Controversial if you are not interested in listening to those portions.

Transcript

Ladies, we know you're always trying to decode your guys every move and word, but sometimes they just wish you could read THEIR minds. And that's exactly what we're doing today - giving you a glimpse into the male psyche.

Now, you might be wondering why it's important to have these conversations. We all know that dating in the modern era can be a bit of a minefield. Between swiping left and right, decoding text messages, and navigating the ever-changing social landscape, it can be hard to know what the other person is really thinking. But if we can start to bridge that gap, we might just be able to create more meaningful connections. By opening up and having honest conversations about what we want and need from each other, we can break down those walls and build stronger connections. 

We asked a group of men what they wish women knew, and their responses might surprise you.We’ll talk about dating (before, during and after), communication, society views, sex and even a couple controversial thoughts as well.

1. Dating

Let’s talk about what men are really thinking before you start dating.

First up, let's address the elephant in the room: the dreaded first date. We know it can be nerve-wracking for both parties, but before you dismiss a guy outright, maybe give him a second chance. Everyone's a little awkward on a first date, and sometimes it takes a little time to really get to know someone.

Next, in the era of #MeToo and sexual harassment claims, it's understandable that men may be hesitant to date co-workers. So, if you're eyeing up that cute guy in the office, maybe think twice before making a move.

Adam shared the following thoughts with us about women who play hard to get:

“ Women who play hard to get are such a turn off. I mean, I get that they may not want to come across as too eager, but it just makes things so confusing! It makes me question of they are really interested in me or if they are just playing games. There is a fine line between being pursued and being chased. If you are always sending me mixed signals it makes me just want to walk away. I want someone to be honest about how they feel”

And while we're on the subject of games, can we please stop with the "if you were a real man" comments? “Real men chase the woman”, “real men plan the date”, “real men should text me first”. It’s not cute, it's not funny, and it's not helpful. Instead, let's focus on treating each other with respect and kindness. Now, if a guy asks you out and you say no, it's not fair to get mad at him for not trying harder. Respect his decision and move on.

Don’t be afraid to make the first move. Sometimes, guys think it's nice to be pursued too. It's 2023, let's break down those gender norms. And finally, just because a guy does something nice for you, it doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in dating you. Sometimes, a nice gesture is just that - a nice gesture. That last one is something that I hear A LOT on the hotlines - tell me if this sounds familiar at all:

“ Oh my gosh! He bought me a coffee this morning! He is totally into me. I don’t see him doing that for anyone else in the office, and he always seems so flirty, stopping at my door and saying good morning.”

Ladies, it’s hard to not read into things. Interest in knowing you better isn’t always a romantic thing. It leads to you getting your hopes up, and then when he turns out not to be interested you are disappointed.

Now let’s talk about what men have to say about relationships once you start dating!

First up, we have the topic of debate. Some men love nothing more than a good intellectual conversation with their partner. But, beware, ladies - this is not an opportunity to prove them wrong. A healthy debate can be fun and stimulating, but make sure it doesn't turn into a heated argument.

Next, we have the age-old adage of a way to a man's heart being through his stomach. Yes, it's true - men love it when their partner can cook, but even more so when they're willing to cook together. It's a great bonding experience and can lead to some delicious meals.

Let’s talk about a major deal-breaker - being mean and catty, especially to customer service and servers. Not only is it downright rude and disrespectful, but it's also a major red flag. It shows a lack of empathy and maturity that can be a huge red flag in a relationship. Think about it, if someone can't treat a complete stranger with kindness and decency, how do you think they'll treat you in the long run? It's like that old saying, "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you." Well, I say, "If they're mean to the waiter, they'll be mean to you too!"

Another issue that some men face is their partner's tendency to assume catastrophe in every situation. Whenever something feels off, she immediately jumps to the worst case scenario. "He's cheating on me!" "He's losing interest!" "We're doomed!" Sound familiar? But here's the thing: sometimes, it's not that serious. Sometimes, there's a simple reason for why things feel off. For example, maybe he's been busy with work or family obligations. Maybe he's going through a tough time and needs some space. Maybe you're both just tired and need a good night's sleep. It doesn't always have to be a massive red flag. I think we can all relate to that one time we thought the world was ending, only to realize it was just a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding. It's easy to get caught up in our own heads and blow things out of proportion. But instead of assuming the worst, let's take a step back and look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself, "What's the simplest explanation for why things feel off?"

Now, let's address something that should go without saying - It's a common misconception that because men are generally physically larger and stronger than women, it's somehow acceptable to hit them. But let's be clear: violence is never the answer, regardless of gender. Hitting someone, whether it's a man or a woman, is a form of abuse and it's never okay.

Men are often taught to suppress their emotions and toughen up, which can lead to a false belief that they can handle physical violence. But the truth is, no one deserves to be hit, regardless of gender or size. And just because a man may have the physical ability to defend himself, it doesn't make it any less traumatic or damaging. We need to change the conversation around domestic violence and recognize that it's never acceptable to hit anyone, regardless of gender. Instead, we should be promoting healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. We should be teaching both men and women that it's okay to express their feelings and ask for help when they need it.

Moving on, we have a point that may surprise some - most men won't propose until they can provide.. Men are hardwired to be providers, to protect and care for their loved ones. And when it comes to proposing, finances can play a big role. Let's face it, weddings are expensive. And when you add in the cost of starting a new life together, it can be a lot for anyone to handle. So, it's not surprising that some men may hold off on proposing until they feel financially stable. It's not that they don't love their partner or want to spend the rest of their lives with them, it's just that they want to ensure they can provide for them and create a stable future together.

Men and sports. It's a classic love story. But have you ever wondered why men love sports so much? Sure, the thrill of competition and the rush of adrenaline might have something to do with it, but I think there's something deeper at play here. Men love sports because there is a clear goal. It's simple: score more points than the other team and you win. It's a straightforward path to victory. You see, men are wired to look for clear goals and guidelines. It's what makes sports so appealing to them. They know what they need to do to win and they work hard to achieve it. But when a woman starts moving the goalposts or changing the rules in a relationship, it can lead to confusion and frustration. Suddenly, the clear goal they were working towards is no longer clear. And that's when problems can arise.

Let’s debunk the classic assumption that not having a social media account is a red flag. Ladies, let me tell you, just because a guy isn't on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram doesn't mean he's a serial killer. It could just mean he values his privacy, or maybe he's living in the moment instead of worrying about posting a photo every five seconds. John told us “Look, I don’t see the point of social media. It is a time suck and such a breeding ground for drama. Everyone is so invested on creating this image of themselves to impress other people”. And on the flip side, if a man likes an Instagram post, it doesn't mean he's a creep or looking for a hookup. He's probably just trying to show his support, so don't overthink it!

Next, we have the ultimatum issue. Ladies, please, for the love of all that is holy, don't issue ultimatums when it comes to a man's mom or kids. This decision can be a difficult and heart-wrenching one, as both parties hold a special place in their heart. On one hand, their partner is their confidant, companion, and lover, and they have built a life together. They share a deep connection, love, and trust, and have likely invested a significant amount of time and effort into their relationship. On the other hand, their mom or kids represent the family ties and unconditional love that have been a part of their life since childhood. But if it comes down to choosing between you and their mother or children, you're probably going to lose. Sorry, not sorry. And let's be real, if you're forcing them to choose, then maybe you're not the right one anyway.

This is a big one, so listen up ladies! We seem to have the assumption that just because a man has a good relationship with the mother of his children, he wants to be with her. Listen, co-parenting is hard enough as it is, and everyone is just trying to make it work for the sake of our kids. It doesn't mean we want to get back together with our exes, so please don't read too much into it. Chris shared his frustrations with his girlfriend Emily “She doesn’t understand why I have such a good relationship with my ex. In fact she picks fights about it all the time and wants me to ignore when the ex calls or texts. But it is important to me that my daughter sees that her parents can get along and love her even if we don’t love each other any more. We are in each others lives for our child’s lifetime, so if you can’t make peace with that then there is no future there.”

We have the classic line: "relationships change, it isn't going to be the same as it was the first couple of months because we are more comfortable with the other person." Ah yes, the honeymoon phase - when everything is rainbows and unicorns, and you're both on your best behavior. But once that phase is over, reality sets in. You might find yourselves bickering over silly things, like who left the toilet seat up or who didn't take the trash out. But fear not, ladies - this is all perfectly normal. As one wise man once said, "relationships are like farts - if you have to force it, it's probably crap.”

Next, we have the ever-controversial statement: "stop thinking a guy can't have female friends without wanting to sleep with them." Ladies, I know this is a tough one to swallow, but sometimes, just sometimes, men really can be friends with women without wanting to get into their pants. Shocking, I know. As one man put it, "I have plenty of female friends that I have no interest in sleeping with. Mostly because they're all like sisters to me - and that's just weird.” In fact, having female friends can be beneficial for a relationship. They can provide a different perspective and help your guy understand women better.

Moving on, we have the wise words of wisdom: "stop measuring a guy by the actions of an ex. not all men are the same." Now, this one is important, so listen up. We've all been there - you've been burned in the past, and now you're wary of getting hurt again. Just because your ex was a total jerk doesn't mean every man you meet will be the same. It's like saying all cats are evil just because one scratched you once. 

Speaking of giving guys a chance, let's talk about effort. "If you are valued then we will put in the effort. If we are not it is because we don't." Ladies, if he's not putting in the effort, then he's just not that into you. He'll call you, text you, plan dates, and make you feel loved. If he's not doing those things, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship. As one man said, "relationships are like plants - if you don't water them, they die  And if a guy isn't watering the relationship, then he’s probably not worth your time. Before you jump to conclusions, have an open and honest conversation with him. Ask him what's going on and how you can help. Maybe he's going through a tough time and needs some support.But hey, at least you know where you stand. Plus, now you can focus on finding someone who will actually value you and put in the effort. It's a win-win!

It's a common belief that men fall in love faster than women, but according to research, the opposite may actually be true. In fact, studies show that the average man takes six months to fall in love. And if you add in the complexities of an online or long-distance relationship, it can take even longer. Distance can make it harder to connect and build a strong emotional bond. This might come as a surprise to some, especially those who have bought into the idea of love at first sight. But the truth is, falling in love is a complex process that involves more than just initial attraction. For men, it takes time to develop a strong emotional connection and truly open up to someone. So, ladies, don't be discouraged if your guy isn't professing his love after a few dates. Give him the space and time he needs to let his feelings develop naturally. And who knows, you might just be the exception to the rule.

Ladies, let's talk about something that's been on our minds for a while: men and their wandering eyes. It's a well-known fact that men are more visual than women, which means they're more likely to take a second glance at someone they find attractive. But here's the thing: looking isn't cheating! It's just a natural human instinct. So why is it a problem when a man does it, but women are allowed to ogle men like Johnny Depp, Jason Momoa, Brad Pitt, and every other heartthrob out there? Well, here's my theory. Men are like dogs. They see a shiny object and they can't help but chase it. Women, on the other hand, are like cats. We're more subtle in our approach. We'll watch from a distance and wait for the perfect moment to pounce. But seriously, it's time to stop shaming men for being attracted to other women. It doesn't mean they're going to cheat or love you any less. And let's be real, we all have our celebrity crushes. It's just a harmless fantasy.So, the next time your man takes a second glance at someone, don't freak out. Instead, join in on the fun and point out some eye candy of your own. Just remember, it's not about who you look at, it's about who you come home to at the end of the day.

Let’s move on to the thoughts men have about breakups. The truth is that men and women view breakups in wildly different ways. According to a survey from Men’s Health only 20% of men think that getting back together with an ex is a good idea, considerably lower then the 38% of women who believe the same. But why do men tend to view breakups and the possibility of getting back together in a more negative light? According to relationship expert and author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," John Gray, "Men are more likely to shut down emotionally after a breakup and not want to revisit the pain." This emotional shutdown can make the idea of getting back together seem unappealing or even impossible.  Statistics show that men are more likely to experience a sense of loneliness and social isolation after a breakup. A study published in the Journal of Men's Health found that men are more likely to experience feelings of depression, anxiety, and a loss of self-esteem after a breakup than women. This may be because men tend to rely more on their romantic partner for emotional support and validation. One man, who wished to remain anonymous, shared his perspective on breakups and the chances of reconciliation, saying: "I think it's important to take time to process the breakup and work on yourself, but I also believe that if two people truly love each other and are willing to put in the effort, there is always a chance of getting back together.” But in reality, the chances of getting back together may be much lower than they think. In fact, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that only 15% of couples who break up and get back together actually stay together in the long run. So ladies, understand that the chances of getting back together are actually pretty slim. 

2. Communication

Communication is an essential aspect of our daily lives, and yet, it is often a source of misunderstandings and frustrations, especially when it comes to gender differences. In the realm of communication, men and women have been observed to approach it in different ways, leading to the infamous notion that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men, in particular, have been stereotyped as poor communicators, with a communication style that is perceived as direct, assertive, and sometimes even aggressive. However, this perception is not entirely accurate and can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in relationships, both personal and professional. Let’s see what some of the men we spoke to had to say about communication.

Sometimes it is like the two of you are speaking vastly different languages, one Spanish and the other Chinese… there are not a lot of commonalities there, so it is hard to even get a rough idea of what is going on. Men really do tend to be much more simple to figure out - but only if you are willing to look at it from their point of view.

When it comes to communication, there has long been a popular stereotype that men are less talkative than women. While this idea may seem like a tired old cliché, there is actually some truth to it. Studies have consistently shown that men do indeed use fewer words than women, and they tend to be more straightforward and direct in their communication style. According to research, men use around 7,000 words per day on average, while women use roughly 20,000 words per day. This means that women use almost three times as many words as men! Some experts believe that this difference is due to the fact that women are generally more verbally expressive and enjoy using language to build relationships and connect with others. Jeff Foxworthy does this fantastic bit about getting up and his wife hits him with some verbal vomit before he has even had his coffee! On the other hand, men tend to be more direct and to the point when communicating. They are more likely to say what they mean and mean what they say, without a lot of extra fluff or elaboration. This can make them appear more confident and authoritative, and it can also help them get their point across more quickly and effectively. As Dr. Louanne Weston, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, explains, "Men are more likely to speak in a direct, declarative way, while women often speak in a more roundabout, tentative way." This difference in communication style can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations in relationships, but it can also be a valuable asset in the workplace, where clear and concise communication is often crucial. So, while the idea that men are less talkative than women may seem like a tired old stereotype, it is actually based in reality. Men may use fewer words, but they are more likely to be straightforward and to the point in their communication, which can be a valuable skill in many areas of life.

Men have long been known for their straightforward, no-nonsense approach to communication. Unlike their female counterparts, who often use indirect language and subtle hints to convey their thoughts and feelings, men tend to be linear thinkers who speak their minds with brutal honesty. In fact, studies have shown that men use more direct language than women, with 58% of their communication being straightforward and to the point. This is in contrast to women, who only use direct language in 37% of their communication (source: Deborah Tannen, linguistics professor at Georgetown University). But why do men tend to communicate in such a direct and sometimes blunt way? According to Dr. Michael Gurian, a renowned author and therapist, this is due to the way men's brains are wired. He explains, "The male brain is wired for action and problem-solving, and therefore tends to communicate in a direct, solution-oriented way.” However, this straightforward approach to communication can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, especially when men fail to consider the emotional impact of their words. As psychotherapist Dr. Dana Dorfman notes, "Men can sometimes prioritize honesty over tact, which can result in hurtful comments that damage relationships.” As author and journalist Caitlin Moran puts it, "Men are often the most honest, uncomplicated communicators you'll ever meet. They may not always be right, but they'll always tell you what they think.”  Jeff told us about his relationship with Katy “ So she comes home from work and she has had a really shitty day. She starts telling me about it, and I am giving her some suggestions. She freaks out about how clearly I don’t think she can handle anything, she’s too stupid to know what to do, blah, blah, blah. We are problem solvers by design, but she didn’t want solutions, she just wanted to vent to someone without any input. I mean, why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

Do you ever find yourself dropping hints to your male partner, only to be met with confusion and frustration? It turns out that you're not alone. According to a study by the University of Pennsylvania, men are often less adept at picking up on subtle hints and social cues than women are - actually significantly less!  This may come as no surprise to many women who have experienced the frustration of trying to communicate with their male partner. But it's not just about picking up on hints - men also struggle with communicating their thoughts and feelings in a way that women find satisfying. In fact, a survey by the dating app Badoo found that 62% of women wished men would communicate more clearly and directly. However, when men do speak their minds, they may find that their unfiltered thoughts are met with negative reactions from women. In a survey by AskMen, 43% of men reported feeling like they couldn't say what they really thought or felt without being criticized or judged. This can lead to men feeling like they are walking on eggshells in their relationships, which can cause additional tension and stress. So what's the solution? Well, for starters, women may need to be more direct in their communication with men. As Dr. Lisa Kaplin, a psychologist and life coach, explains, "men generally prefer clear, concise communication. They want to know what the problem is and how to fix it." This means that instead of dropping hints, women may need to spell things out more explicitly.

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with your partner for not meeting your expectations, even though you never actually told them what you wanted? If so, you're not alone. It's a common misconception that men should just "know" what their partners want without being told, but the truth is that they're not mind readers. Despite what romantic comedies may lead us to believe, men cannot magically anticipate our every desire without any communication on our part. In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, communication is the most important factor in a successful relationship, with both partners feeling heard and understood. Yet, many women still expect their partners to just know what they want without saying anything. This unrealistic expectation can lead to frustration, resentment, and ultimately, relationship breakdown. As therapist and relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, puts it, "Expecting your partner to instinctively know what you need without any verbal communication is like expecting a doctor to cure your illness without telling them your symptoms.” Marcus told us about his frustrations with his ex Tina, “I had asked her something totally mundane like what she wanted for dinner that night. And she says to me, shit you not, “I want a man who knows me well enough to read my mind” - yeah…good luck with that! Needless to say we broke up soon afterwards!”

From here we are going to dig a little deeper into what men consider to be such serious issues that they see them as deal breakers. This first one I am whole-heartedly on board with - because I think that cell phones are the worst thing to happen to dating. I can’t tell you how many women I speak to night after night that are freaking out because it has been an hour and a half and he hasn’t texted back yet. They spiral into this frenzy of fear and doubt, certain that he is cheating on them. Well, it's time to take a step back and relax. According to a recent study, men do not always text back immediately, and it doesn't mean that they are being unfaithful. In fact, a survey conducted by dating app Badoo found that only 29% of men said they always respond immediately to a text message, while 47% of women said the same. So, if your guy takes a bit longer to reply, it's not necessarily a sign of trouble. Well, it's time to take a step back and relax. According to a recent study, men do not always text back immediately, and it doesn't mean that they are being unfaithful. As relationship expert and author Rachel DeAlto explains, "A man not responding quickly does not mean that he's not interested, it just means he's not attached to his phone." Men may also be busy with work or other obligations, which can make it difficult to respond right away. In the age of instant gratification, it's no surprise that people often expect immediate responses to their messages. But when it comes to texting, how long is a reasonable amount of time for a man to respond? Most women asked by Hinge said that they expected a response within 30-45 minutes, which can be pretty unrealistic. I have found in my experiences over the last 20+ years that a response within a couple of hours is reasonable, but that you should at least allow 24 hours before you start to get anxious. Allow for them to have a life outside of you, friends, family, work, etc… not everyone has their phone in their hand 24/7 and expecting that is not fair to the potential partner. Heck, I remember when I was dating my ex husband that cell phones weren’t really a thing yet. I had to sit by the ROTARY phone in the living room and wait for his call - and we didn’t have caller idea either! 

And while we are at it can we just talk about the idea of “if he hasn’t texted me today, I’m not going to text him” - it’s garbage…knock it off! In today's dating world, it's often assumed that men have to make the first move. They are expected to call and text first, plan the dates, and initiate physical contact. But why is this the case? Is it fair to put all the pressure on men, while women sit back and wait for them to make the first move? According to a survey conducted by the dating app Bumble, 85% of men said they would like women to message them first, but only 29% of women actually do so. This suggests that many women still believe it's the man's responsibility to initiate contact. But this outdated gender norm can be harmful to both men and women. It reinforces the idea that men are the aggressors and women are passive, which can lead to toxic gender roles and unequal power dynamics in relationships. As dating expert Joshua Pompey states, "There are no rules when it comes to love. It's about two people getting to know each other and building a connection. Gender should never dictate who reaches out first.” Women who wait around for the man to call of text first miss out on some really great men who maybe shy, introverted or just not sure if they should reach out. When I first started talking to my now husband, we were friends. I wanted him to make a move, but of course I didn’t say that…that would have made sense. So one afternoon as I was headed out I dropped a note on his desk with my cell number and said “hey we should go grab coffee or something one of these days” I wasn’t even halfway home before he had left me a voicemail. He had wanted to make a move, but knew I was newly divorced and didn’t want to push me into anything I wasn’t ready for. If I hadn’t left that note who knows where we would be now! 

Omar reached out with maybe one of the more in your face deal breaker for him - encouraging women out there to “stop reading those bullshit articles in Cosmo. They are written by women, and are from a woman’s perspective. Instead of over-analyzing every little thing that we say, just talk to me. It’ll get you a lot further.” He also expressed frustration similar to Marcus, saying that women should be upfront if they are upset with something and not say “well, you should KNOW why I am upset. Newsflash, men do stupid shit all the time - just tell us what the problem is so we can fix it, cause I am not admitting to the ten dumb things I did today before lunch!”.

Finally we have the last couple of things that men consider to be deal breakers. Love is a universal language, but when it comes to expressing it, not every man does so in the same way. According to a survey conducted by the dating app Zoosk, only 48% of men say "I love you" to their partners on a regular basis. This statistic may seem alarming to some, but it's important to understand that men express their love in many different ways.  As Dr. Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert, points out, "Boys are often taught from a young age to suppress their emotions and not show vulnerability," which can make it difficult for some men to express their love verbally. Look at the things that he does that are non verbal too. According to a survey conducted by the dating app Plenty of Fish, 53% of men said they prefer to express their feelings through actions rather than words. This may include small gestures like holding hands or making dinner, which can speak volumes to their partner. As one man put it, "I don't think words can fully express how much I care for my partner, but my actions can.” Another study by the University of California, Los Angeles found that men are more likely to express their love through physical touch, such as hugging or kissing. This may be because men often have a stronger need for physical intimacy, as it releases oxytocin, the "love hormone," which can deepen their feelings of attachment. So, what does all of this mean for women in relationships with men? It means that it's important to pay attention to the ways in which your partner expresses their love, rather than expecting them to conform to a certain stereotype. As one man wisely noted, "If you're waiting for your partner to say 'I love you' in a specific way, you might miss out on all the other ways they're showing you.” I read one of the most beautiful things from a woman this past year. She said “I verbally express affection…A LOT. My husband, not so much. For a long time I wondered if that meant that he loved me less. So I told him about this thing I had done as a kid. Holding hands, three squeezes means “I Love You”. Suddenly he is saying I love you all the time. Holding my hand, but also randomly. Taptaptap on my hand, my knee, my butt…whatever is closest to him at the time. More then I have ever said it out loud. It’s such an ingrained part of our life now that I can tap three times anywhere on him and he taps back IN HIS SLEEP!” People say things differently, so find what works for BOTH of you!

It's no secret that having close friends and alone time outside of a romantic relationship is crucial for maintaining good mental health and overall well-being. And yet, many men struggle to prioritize these aspects of their lives, often to the detriment of their relationships and personal growth. According to a study published in the American Sociological Review, men who lack close friendships are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Another study from the University of Oxford found that men who have a strong social support system are less likely to develop physical health problems later in life. In addition to these health benefits, having a solid group of male friends can also provide men with a sense of belonging and fulfillment that they may not find in their romantic relationships. As sociologist Geoffrey Greif explains, "Men need to talk to other men in ways that are different than the way they talk to their wives or girlfriends...they need to be able to talk about things that they don't want to burden their partner with.” Furthermore, prioritizing friendships and solo time can actually improve romantic relationships. According to relationship expert Esther Perel, "The quality of our intimate relationships is only as good as the quality of our other relationships.” A partner can love you and still have their own friends and hobbies without diminishing how they feel about you. As the saying goes, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." By cultivating strong friendships and engaging hobbies, we can lead happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives. So ladies, stop being jealous that sometimes he wants to hang out with his friends or putter around in his garage…find your own things to do too!

3. Sex

Sex is a topic that has fascinated men throughout history. From ancient times to the present day, men have been drawn to the subject, seeking to understand its mysteries and explore its pleasures. But what do men really think about sex? For many, it's a constant source of fascination and desire. Men often think about sex in both conscious and subconscious ways, from daydreaming about a new partner to fantasizing about a favorite celebrity. But sex is not just about physical pleasure - it's also an important emotional and social experience that shapes our relationships and defines our identity. So whether you're looking for insights into male sexuality or simply curious about what goes on inside a man's mind, exploring the topic of sex and men's thoughts on it is sure to be a fascinating and enlightening journey.

Interestingly, one of the things that I heard over and over in the responses that we collected is the idea of having sex very early into things, like on the first date. According to a recent survey by Match.com, over 35% of men said that they would have sex on the first date if the opportunity presented itself. However, 45% of men said that they would wait until they were in a committed relationship before taking that step. This shows that while many men are open to the idea of having sex on the first date, a significant portion still believe in taking things slow. One man who falls into the latter category is Jim, a 28-year-old software developer. He says, "I've been on plenty of first dates where there was a spark and chemistry, but I still wouldn't take things to the next level right away. For me, sex is something that's reserved for a deeper connection, and I don't want to rush into anything.” On the other hand, Michael, a 32-year-old entrepreneur, takes a different stance. "If there's chemistry and we're both feeling it, then why not? Life's too short to play games, and if we're both on the same page, then I'm all for it.” We also heard from a lot of men that sex too early makes the connection fizzle out faster. One anonymous survey respondent spoke candidly about his thoughts on the matter, stating, "I mean, if she's willing to have sex on the first date, why bother going through the motions of getting to know her? It's like skipping straight to the good part.” He was also quick to say that if you have sex on a first or second date and you don’t hear from him again, he was never looking for a relationship in the first place.

When it comes to sex, society often expects men to always be ready and willing to perform. But the truth is, men are not always up for it, and that's perfectly normal. In fact, research shows that up to 30% of men experience some form of sexual dysfunction, which can include difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation, or a decreased sex drive.

It's important to understand that a man's lack of interest or inability to perform doesn't necessarily mean he isn't attracted to his partner. Many factors can contribute to sexual dysfunction, including stress, anxiety, medication side effects, and health issues. In fact, according to Dr. Irwin Goldstein, Director of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, "most of the time, the reasons for sexual dysfunction have nothing to do with how attracted a man is to his partner.” It is really no different then a woman - sometimes you are not feeling like it, or you have issues with getting wet, so why shouldn’t it be ok for men to have issues as well? On the flip side, a man getting an erection around someone else is also not an indication that he wants to sleep with them. Dean told us “hell, sometimes a good breeze can make me hard. It doesn’t mean anything.” And he is on to something - erections are actually involuntary. That's right, despite what you may have thought, men do not have complete control over when they become erect. In fact, according to research, the average male experiences 11 erections per day, lasting an average of 20-30 minutes each. They can occur in response to a variety of stimuli, including physical touch, visual cues, and even certain scents - even dreams! 

Spencer wanted to break down his thoughts on bedroom activities - “I had a girlfriend once who wanted to have rough sex, even liked being choked a little. She didn’t tell me until after we broke up - ironically because she said I wasn’t exciting enough in bed. If she had told me I probably would have given her what she was looking for.” Communication is key in any relationship, but it's especially important in the bedroom. Men need to know what you like and don't like in bed, and they need to know your kinks, especially if they are rougher. A recent survey found that 70% of women have had a sexual fantasy about being dominated, and 50% of women have had a sexual fantasy about being tied up. These statistics prove that it's important for men to understand their partner's desires and boundaries. According to a survey conducted by the sex toy company LELO, 76% of women believe that their partner doesn't know what they like in bed. This statistic is staggering and shows just how important it is to communicate your sexual preferences with your partner. It's also important to note that rougher kinks, such as BDSM, are becoming more mainstream. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that 52% of women and 43% of men have tried BDSM at least once in their lifetime. This shows that there's nothing wrong with exploring your sexual desires, as long as it's consensual and safe. It goes back to that earlier idea that men are not mind readers… if you don’t tell them what you want, then you don’t get to be upset when they are not providing it to you…They don’t know what they don’t know. Tristan also warned the ladies “Don’t believe in everything that you read in romance novels - sometimes those acrobatics are not realistic, and just so you know - the average penis size is 6 inches - there aren’t a lot of guys walking around with 10-12” cocks. Be realistic in your expectations.” 

Before we move on to some of the more controversial aspects that men brought up, let’s just chat about cheating for a minute. Infidelity is an age-old problem that has plagued relationships for centuries. And while both men and women cheat, it's no secret that men have been found to be more likely to stray. In fact, according to a recent study, 20% of men admit to cheating on their partners, compared to only 13% of women. Infidelity is an age-old problem that has plagued relationships for centuries. And while both men and women cheat, it's no secret that men have been found to be more likely to stray. In fact, according to a recent study, 20% of men admit to cheating on their partners, compared to only 13% of women. Tarin had a bit of a bold take when he told us “If you are the side chick, I hate to break it to you but I am never leaving my marriage.”  Experts suggest that men may be more likely to prioritize physical attraction and sexual desire over emotional connection and loyalty. In fact, a study conducted by the University of Texas found that men are more likely to cheat with someone who is younger and physically attractive, while women are more likely to cheat with someone who is emotionally supportive. One famous quote from Oscar Wilde sums up this phenomenon perfectly: "Men always want to be a woman's first love, and women want to be a man's last romance." This desire for novelty and excitement may drive some men to seek out extramarital affairs, even if it means risking the stability of their current relationship. The notion of a man leaving his wife for a mistress is a tale as old as time. But just how common is this scenario? Recent studies suggest that while men are more likely than women to cheat, they are not necessarily more likely to leave their spouse for their extramarital partner. According to a survey by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, only 15% of marriages end due to infidelity, and of those cases, it's estimated that only a third of them involve the cheating partner leaving their spouse for the other person. This suggests that while infidelity can certainly lead to the end of a marriage, leaving a spouse for a mistress is not as common as popular culture might suggest. In fact, many experts argue that the idea of men leaving their wives for mistresses is a myth perpetuated by media and pop culture. As marriage therapist Tammy Nelson notes, "Most men who cheat don't want to leave their wives. They want to have their cake and eat it too.” So understand that if you are the other woman, the odds are not in your favor - even if he is telling you how unhappy he is and how much he wants to be with you. 

And what about the women who withhold sex from their partners? When the sex stops, the relationship often follows suit. And unfortunately, it seems that men are more likely to end things when the passion fizzles out. According to a survey conducted by the dating app, HER, 75% of men said that they would end a relationship if the sex became infrequent or non-existent. But why is this the case? Some experts suggest that men may prioritize sexual intimacy more than women, and that they may feel less connected to their partner when physical intimacy declines. As sex therapist Vanessa Marin notes, "Men tend to feel more connected and more in love with their partner when they're having regular sex.” Comedian Ron White has a bit where he talks about cheating. He says “ She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio…and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point in the relationship when you're having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers. "I'll only have sex with you, ever-ever-ever…ever." Well, if that person stops having sex altogether… why, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in awhile, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as real dog. And I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't been laid in three months. Three months! You can't go three months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it.” There are a lot of men out there that think that way - heck even some women too! My first marriage broke up in part because of a lack of sex for a very long time. Everyone wants to feel desired, and if it is lacking in their relationship half of all men who cheat say it is because there are sexual unsatisfied in their relationships.

4. Controversial Views

Last but certainly not least, we are going to dive into some of the more controversial things that were said in the answers we collected. Please note that these could be triggers and/or upsetting for some listeners, so please feel free to skip ahead. The views expressed are not ours, and speaking about them is not an endorsement of those views. We are going to talk about looks, behavior, choice, political affiliation, etc. Overall, men's thoughts on dating can be controversial and complex, influenced by a variety of factors including societal norms, personal beliefs, and individual preferences. It's important to recognize that these opinions are not universal and should not be used to generalize all men's views on dating. 

Jace had this to say about a woman’s looks “Stop comparing yourself to some chick on Instagram. You don’t need lip injections, a boob job, tons of make up… She isn’t prettier then you - she is just better at Photoshop and filters then you.”

The body positivity movement has taken the world by storm, promoting self-love and acceptance regardless of size, shape, or color. While the movement has been a source of inspiration and empowerment for many, it has also caused some men to fear being labeled as fat-phobic for expressing their concerns about health and fitness. According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, 45% of men say they feel self-conscious about their bodies, while 20% say they've considered taking steroids to improve their appearance. But when it comes to discussing body positivity, many men are hesitant to speak up. A study by the University of Kent found that men are more likely to avoid discussing weight-related issues out of fear of being labeled as fat-phobic. "It's tough to navigate the body positivity movement as a man," says Jayden, a 32-year-old fitness enthusiast. "I believe in loving and accepting yourself, but I also believe in being healthy and taking care of your body. It's a delicate balance, and I don't want to offend anyone by expressing my concerns.” The fear of being called fat-phobic has become so pervasive that some men are even shying away from dating women who promote body positivity. A study by Bumble found that 42% of men are less likely to swipe right on a dating profile that includes the phrase "body positivity.”  Several men we spoke with made sure to say that if their long term partner gained some weight that they would still love them, but that they draw the line when it starts getting into morbid obesity. According to the World Health Organization, nearly 40% of women worldwide are overweight, and about 15% are obese. The impact of obesity on women's health is significant and far-reaching, affecting not only their physical health but also their mental and emotional wellbeing. Obesity puts women at a higher risk of developing various health problems, including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and some forms of cancer. The risk of developing breast cancer, in particular, increases by 30% in overweight and obese women. In addition, obesity during pregnancy can lead to complications such as gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and premature birth. Because men have a biological urge to provide and reproduce, their ideal partner is likely going to be someone that is not incredibly overweight. Yet society screams from the rooftops that having these concerns makes a man a monster, and that he should be ridiculed for his stance on this. As women we are told to and encouraged to have standards, yet when it comes to men they are often not given the same considerations. 

In a world where social media is king, it's easy to turn to platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter for advice on everything, including dating. But beware, because seeking dating advice from social media can be a minefield of misinformation and misguided guidance. According to a recent study, more than half of young adults have used social media to get dating advice. However, only 23% of those surveyed found the advice to be helpful. So why is social media such a risky place to seek dating advice?One major pitfall is the lack of accountability. Anyone can claim to be a dating expert or share their opinions, regardless of their qualifications or experience. As relationship coach and therapist Shula Melamed warns, "Just because someone has a large social media following doesn't mean they have expertise in dating or relationships.” Furthermore, social media dating advice is often generalized and not tailored to individual situations. Dating coach and author Damona Hoffman explains, "One-size-fits-all advice is rarely helpful when it comes to dating." Each person and relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Another issue with social media dating advice is that it can promote unhealthy behavior. Relationship therapist Shadeen Francis cautions that social media can perpetuate toxic dating patterns, saying, "It's easy to be influenced by ideas and advice that might not be healthy or sustainable in the long run." This can lead to users adopting behaviors that are damaging to themselves and their relationships. Nowhere is this more obvious then Tik-Tok says Elijah. “I was scrolling through Tik-Tok and saw a chick giving a recap of a recent date. In it she was talking about how she had to get up and walk out of a restaurant because the man she was on a date with didn’t want cheese on his burger, and didn’t want to pay an extra three dollars for it. She was so offended and disgusted - but who the hell is she to say a guy is garbage because he ate his OWN food the way he WANTED it? And then she cries about how she is always looking for a man but has been single for so long…well duh, dumbass. That isn’t having standards, that is being a snob and entitled to control everyone around you. Sounds like the guy dodged a bullet!”  Similarly, Nicholas had nothing good to say about the rise of what he calls “Twin Flame Bullshit” - he says that he has noticed a huge increase in women who are willing to be treated like garbage because someone says the guy is their “twin flame” and are happy to overlook men who are just looking for a woman to love and treat like a queen.

Liam spoke about the pitfalls of the rise of the trans movement - “I see more and more people that are trans in the dating pool. I mean, I have no problem with you doing you, but I have no desire to date someone as trans. I am not denying that they have a right to be whoever they wanna be, but I am not attracted to that. I shouldn’t be attacked and doxxed just because I have my own personal feelings about what is attractive to ME.” In recent years, more and more men who have stated that they do not want to date trans people have found themselves under attack. They are being doxxed, harassed, and even physically assaulted for expressing their dating preferences. According to a report by the Pew Research Center, only 21% of Americans say they would be comfortable dating someone who is transgender. Despite this, individuals who express a preference against dating trans people are being targeted and labeled as bigots. One such incident involved a man named Ethan, who shared his preference against dating trans women on a dating app. Within hours, he was doxxed, and his personal information was shared online. "I was bombarded with messages and threats. People were telling me that I was a transphobic piece of shit and that I deserved to be punished," he recounted. It's important to remember that everyone has a right to their own preferences when it comes to dating. Attacking and doxxing someone for expressing those preferences is not only harmful but also goes against the values of acceptance and respect for all. As Ethan put it, "I'm not a bigot for having a preference. I just want to be able to express myself without fear of retaliation.”

Hang on ladies, we are almost there…just a few more to go!

William spoke of a previous relationship with Maria. “We had been together for a couple of years when Maria became pregnant. I was excited and over the moon, but Maria wanted an abortion. I get that it is her body, but I feel like that baby is half of my DNA and I should have some sort of say or at least the right to have an opinion about it. She went through with the abortion even though I was against it. I know it sounds awful, but I just couldn’t get over it. We broke up maybe three months later.” The debate over abortion has always been a contentious issue, with strong opinions on both sides of the argument. But what about the rights of men in this decision-making process? Should they have a say when their partner wants to terminate a pregnancy? According to a recent survey conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, only 25% of women said their partner had the any say in the termination of their pregnancy.. This means that the majority of women believe that the decision ultimately lies with them. But what about the men? Do they have any rights in this situation? Some men believe that they should have a say when it comes to their partner's decision to terminate a pregnancy. They argue that it is their child too and that they should be able to have a say in what happens. According to a survey conducted by YouGov in 2020, 40% of men agreed that they should have a legal right to be consulted before their partner has an abortion. This sentiment is echoed by men like Todd Huston, a state representative in Indiana, who said, "We're talking about an unborn child here, and I believe men have a right to have a say.” However, critics argue that men should not have any say in the matter, as it is ultimately the woman's body and her decision to make. Dr. Willie Parker, an OB-GYN who provides abortions, stated that "the question of who has the final say in the decision to have an abortion is not a legal one. It's a medical one, and it's the woman's decision.” Despite this disagreement, the fact remains that men are often deeply affected by the decision to terminate a pregnancy, with many experiencing emotional distress and a sense of powerlessness. A study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that men who wanted their partners to continue the pregnancy but had no say in the matter reported feelings of loss and grief, as well as relationship strain.

Political ideology is another topic that can greatly impact dating preferences. A study by Pew Research Center found that political polarization is on the rise in the United States, with 91% of Republicans and 86% of Democrats stating that they have unfavorable views of the opposing party. This can lead to difficulties in dating for individuals who have differing political beliefs. Oliver was pretty vocal in his opinions “I am so tired of trying to date in this political climate. So many women think that because I identify as a conservative that somehow I am the next coming of Hitler who wants to take away women’s right to choose, am anti LGBTQ and a Trump loving gun nut. And I am so tired to being told that I have cisgender white male privilege. I don’t think that it is right to discount my lived experiences if I am not allowed to discount yours.” Conservative men are often unfairly labeled as sexist, racist, and homophobic, but this couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, many conservatives believe that traditional family values and individual responsibility can lead to a stronger, more unified society. As one conservative commentator put it, "we believe in the power of the individual and the family, and that's not a bad thing.” As former Republican Senator Orrin Hatch once said, "The media portrays conservatives as mean-spirited, narrow-minded, and intolerant. In reality, the opposite is true." Conservative men value individual liberty, personal responsibility, and the protection of traditional values.

Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding conservative men can have real-world consequences. A study by the Cato Institute found that nearly two-thirds of conservatives feel the need to self-censor their political views at work, fearing backlash or discrimination. It's time to break down the stereotypes and recognize that being a conservative man does not make one a villain. 

5. Wrap Up

Throughout our discussions on men's thoughts on dating, communication, sex, and controversial opinions, we have delved into the complexities of relationships and the unique perspectives that men bring to the table. When it comes to dating, we explored the various factors that can make or break a potential relationship, including physical attraction, compatibility, and shared interests. We also discussed the importance of communication in establishing trust and building a strong foundation for a relationship. In terms of sex, we explored the nuances of consent and the importance of clear communication, as well as the various factors that can impact sexual attraction and desire.

Understanding the male perspective on complex topics like sex, dating, and controversial issues can be a challenge, but it is essential in building strong relationships and creating a more inclusive society. From their thoughts on gender identity to their beliefs about political issues, men have a unique perspective that can help bridge the gap between different viewpoints. One thing that stood out to me is that men often feel misunderstood or misrepresented in discussions about their gender. Many of them wish to be seen as individuals with unique experiences and perspectives, rather than being lumped together with all men. They also want to be recognized for their emotional depth and vulnerability, which is often overlooked in discussions about masculinity. When it comes to sex and dating, men often feel pressure to be the pursuer and to initiate contact with women. However, they also want women to take an active role in the dating process and to express their own desires and boundaries. Men also emphasized the importance of communication in relationships, both in terms of expressing one's own needs and listening to the needs of one's partner. On more controversial topics like gender identity and abortion, men expressed a wide range of opinions. Some emphasized the importance of respecting people's gender identities and supporting their right to make choices about their own bodies. Others held more conservative views and believed in traditional gender roles and pro-life values. Despite these differences, many men expressed a desire for open and respectful dialogue on these topics, rather than being immediately dismissed or labeled.

Overall, these conversations have highlighted the complexity and diversity of men's experiences and perspectives. By listening to and engaging with men in thoughtful and respectful ways, we can create a more inclusive and understanding society for everyone.

What do you think? Did you gain any new perspective on how men think and feel? Will you change the way you interact with romantic partners going forward? Next time we will be diving deeper into communication skills before looking at long distance relationships in April. Don’t forget to head on over to the website and submit any questions for the Listener Q&A session coming up. Stay sharp and love fiercely, Queen of Swords signing off!