QoS Ep 18 ~ Ghosting Uncovered: A Deep Dive into Modern Dating's Dark Side

Ever felt like you're left in the dark, grappling with the unsettling silence of someone who was once a constant part of your conversations? Well, you're not alone in this eerie landscape of modern dating known as 'Ghosting.' This episode of Queen of Swords, hosted by yours truly, Eva, brings light to the murky corners of this phenomenon. We delve into the minds of both the ghosters and the ghosted to explore the emotional and psychological impacts of this baffling behavior.

From insightful surveys to relatable stories and practical advice, we're going to take a much-needed deep dive into the world of ghosting. We bring to you some surprising reasons why people ghost and the contrasting perceptions of men and women about this practice. Moreover, we discuss the emotional turmoil the ghosted experience, including effects on self-esteem and the triggering of feelings such as depression and anxiety. So, strap in for this soul-searching journey, as we aim to better equip you to navigate the choppy waters of modern dating.

Transcript

Eva: 0:00

Welcome to the Queen of Swords, the podcast where we take on relationship drama like a boss. Are you tired of being ghosted, breadcrumbs or just plain confused? Well, grab a glass of wine, put on your favorite sweatpants and join me, the one and only Queen of Swords, as I take you on a journey through the ups and downs of modern dating and relationships. With some relatable anecdotes and a little bit of tough love. I'm going to help you navigate the tricky waters of love, lust and everything in between. So, whether you're single in a relationship or it's complicated, join us every other week as we laugh, cry and learn to slay the dating game like the Queens that we are. Let's hey there, fabulous people, and welcome back to Queen of Swords. I'm Eva, your host, and today we've got a topic that's as familiar as that first sip of morning coffee ghosting. You know ghosting. We've all heard the term and, let's face it, many of us have felt its icy touch in the world of modern dating. It's that creepy feeling of being left hanging, wondering what the heck just happened and why someone you thought you clicked with is just vanished into the digital abyss. But don't fret, because today we're going to unravel some of the mysteries of ghosting. We're diving deep into these murky dating waters and we're going to explore from both sides what's going on in the mind of the ghost, or an emotional roller coaster that the ghost did ride. I've got stories, insights and some practical advice lined up to help you navigate this tricky terrain. So, whether you've been ghosted or guilty of ghosting, or just want to get a handle on what this whole ghosting thing is, you're in the right place. Grab your favorite beverage, cozy up and let's kick off this journey together. So let's get down to the nitty gritty. What is this whole ghosting thing really about? Well, for all you have your season daters out there. You probably know the drill, but for those that are new to the dating scene, let's break it down.

Eva: 2:07

Ghosting, my friends, is when someone you've been chatting with, or even dating, just vanishes like a magician's disappearing act. Poof, they're gone without a word, no text, no explanation. It's that unsettling feeling of being left hanging, scratching your head and wondering what in the hell just happened. You could have had fantastic conversations, made plans for the future, maybe even thought you had found the one, and then bam, radio silence. Your messages go unanswered and it's like they vanished into thin air and you might be wondering why in the world do people do this ghosting thing?

Eva: 2:42

Well, there are a bunch of reasons. Some folks can't stand the idea of a tough conversation, so they choose the vanishing act instead. Others might have found someone else or just lost interest but don't bother with a Dear John talk and, of course, there's a lack of maturity or, let's face it, basic communication skills. I'll be honest, I've had my fair share of run-ins with ghosting and it can be a real heartbreaker. It's like reading a book and then discovering that the last few chapters are missing, or watching a movie and suddenly the screen goes blank. You're left hanging, wanting closure that might never come. But here's the deal understanding what ghosting is and why it happens is the first step in dealing with it, and that's exactly what we're going to dive into today. We're not just going to define ghosting, we're going to get into the details of how it affects our mental and emotional well-being. So why do some folks choose to vanish into thin air instead of having an open conversation? First things first.

Eva: 3:39

Not all ghosters are heartless villains. Some genuinely dread those awkward conversations or simply struggle to put their feelings into words. You know, it's not as black and white as it might seem. In fact, studies hint at something fascinating that many people ghost because they find it way less stressful than having a challenging conversation. For example, forbes conducted a survey that revealed some eye-opening statistics. Can you believe that a whopping 76% of the folks they asked admitted to either ghosting or being ghosted in the dating world? That's quite a number. Nearly 60% of people said that they've been ghosted, while 45% confessed to ghosting someone else.

Eva: 4:18

But the reasons behind ghosting vary. About 47% said that they ghosted because they weren't vibing with the other person's personality, and a little over 45% admitted that they just weren't into the connection to feel the need to respond. Interestingly, men and women share these reasons fairly equally, but guys mentioned them a little bit more. Now women had their own unique perspective. More of them 13% to be precise said that they ghosted because they felt a little bit scared or intimidated by the other person, compared to just 10% of men. Plus. Let's face it, the dating world can be really overwhelming, especially with all those dating apps offering endless choices. Sometimes people ghost because they've stumbled upon someone that they think is a better match. Not the most ideal approach, but it happens. A survey by Bank my Cell even noted that over 60% of people ghosted because the person that they met didn't quite match up with their dating profile, usually in the terms of looks.

Eva: 5:19

But here's the thing some ghosters might not even realize the emotional impact of their actions on the one that they've ghosted. They might think that they're sparing feelings by just fading into the background. And you know what? I've had conversations with friends who've confessed to ghosting, and guess why? Many of them felt regret and guilt about it. It's a reminder that ghosters are complex individuals dealing with their own emotional role of ghosters. So what's the takeaway here? Understanding the ghosters' perspective does not excuse ghosting, but it does help to add a little bit of a human touch to what is often a very perplexing behavior. And, who knows, it might help us to navigate these tricky waters of dating just a little bit better.

Eva: 6:01

Now let's shift gears and dive into what it feels like to be on the receiving end of ghosting. I've heard countless stories from listeners and friends about their experiences, and one thing's for sure the emotional rollercoaster that comes with ghosting is quite a ride. Picture this you're in a budding relationship, or even just getting to know someone, and suddenly they vanish. Your messages go unanswered and you're left in a state of confusion, hurt and maybe even a sense of abandonment. It's like having the rug pulled out from underneath you. I mean, who hasn't been there? It's a common experience in the world of modern dating and it can really hit you where it hurts in your self-esteem.

Eva: 6:39

Speaking of the emotional impact, let me share a tidbit from our preliminary study conducted in 2020 and published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. They looked at the psychological experiences of adults who have experienced ghosting or bread crumbing. What they found was that those who experienced bread crumbing or a combination of bread crumbing and ghosting reported feeling more self-perceived, loneliness, increased helplessness and a lower satisfaction with life. I reached out to Dr Spann, a certified sex therapist, who pointed out something crucial. He mentioned that if someone goes through ghosting repeatedly, it can desensitize them to the feeling of abandonment. It can even become a pattern of behavior for them. The lack of conversation and closure can lead to questioning oneself-worth, triggering emotions like depression or anxiety. Dr Leitem, another expert, shed light on how people might internalize unhelpful beliefs from being ghosted. They may think if only I were smarter, more attractive or somehow better, this wouldn't have happened, but in reality, the issue lies with the ghoster, not the one being ghosted. Let's talk numbers for a moment. According to a survey by Matchcom, a whopping 78% of respondents reported feeling hurt or upset when they were ghosted. This statistic shows just how deeply ghosting can affect a person's emotional well-being.

Eva: 8:04

I can't help but recall a friend's story. She was in this promising relationship that had lasted months I mean like six, seven months and it was filled with deep conversations and dreams of a future together. Then one day, everything went silent. It felt like a sudden loss not just of the person but of this future that she had envisioned and been planning for. And again, there's a story from a listener who had an amazing first date. They laughed, they shared some great moments, they slept together and even made plans for future dates. And then poof silence, no text, no call, just radio silence.

Eva: 8:45

Now here's something we can all relate to. If you've been ghosted, you've probably known the strong desire to talk to that person, to get some answers and to find some closure. Unfortunately, that's often nearly impossible. But here's the golden nugget of wisdom to remember You're not defined by someone else's actions. Ghosting speaks volumes about the ghoster, not you. Your emotional well-being and self-worth are always a priority. So if you've experienced ghosting, it's perfectly okay to grieve the loss and to feel the emotions. Reach out to friends and loved ones for support, because you're not alone and always remember it is not your fault. Now let's get real and talk about moving forward. After you've been ghosted, it's like facing a plot twist that you never saw coming in your own love story. But guess what? You're not alone. It's more common than you think.

Eva: 9:34

First things first, give yourself a break Seriously. Take a moment to embrace the emotions swirling in satchel. Whether you're feeling hurt, confused, angry, or maybe even like you've been handed a one-way ticket to rejection bill, it's all valid. Your feelings matter. Think of your emotions as these trusty messengers guiding you through this rollercoaster of a situation. By acknowledging and accepting them, you're granting yourself permission to deal with what just happened. Cry it out, jot your thoughts down or have a heart-to-heart with a friend who's got you back, and let's squash that self-doubt bug right now.

Eva: 10:10

Ghosting isn't a red stamp of you're not good enough. It's about the actions of the ghoster. So as you navigate this emotional maze, treat yourself with the same love and kindness that you would offer your closest friend in their darkest hour, need a game plan. How about a self-care routine? Engage in activities that light up your soul, whether it's cozying up with friends, diving into your favorite hobbies or finding some zen through mindfulness and meditation. Taking care of yourself is the name of the game.

Eva: 10:38

Now let's chat about setting boundaries. It's like drawing a line in the sand that says here's what I need and here's what I'm not going to stand for. So how do you start? Well, reflect on what's crucial for you in a relationship. For instance, if you're all about open and honest communication and really who isn't? Make that clear. Tell your future partner that you appreciate regular check-ins or text messages, because, let's face it, folks cannot read your minds. Don't be shy. Express what it is that you need. But here's the kicker Boundaries are meant to be enforced. Stand your ground. If someone repeatedly crosses those lines, it's a flashing neon sign that they might not be the one for you. Your boundaries are your armor, protecting your heart and your mental well-being.

Eva: 11:25

Think of this whole experience as a growth opportunity. What have you learned about yourself, your boundaries and your communication style? And then use those insights to level up and empower yourself. Don't be a lone wolf in this adventure. Share your feelings with friends or consider seeking professional guidance if needed. Helping it out can provide the comfort and perspective that you crave.

Eva: 11:46

And let's talk about closure. Ghosting often leaves you hanging without that satisfying final chapter. So here's an unconventional but powerful move Write a letter, I mean it. Write a letter. Pour out everything you wish that you could say if you were face-to-face with a person. The key here Do not send it, burn that letter and release all that negative energy. Did it blow away or flow away, carried far away from you? No-transcript. Don't let ghosting close the door to love and connections. Remember, like I said, it's about the ghoster's actions, not your worth.

Eva: 12:24

We've covered quite a bit of ground today from getting a handle on what ghosting is all about, peering into both sides of the ghosting coin. But before we wrap things up, let's do a quick rundown on the key stuff that we learned today. First things first, we talked about ghosting, which is basically when someone you thought was interested suddenly disappears without a word. It can really throw you for a loop emotionally. So we stressed how important it is to recognize those feelings because, let's face it, ghosting is hurtful. Then we took a little detour into the ghoster's world.

Eva: 12:55

You know those folks who are doing the vanishing act. We tried to understand why some folks choose to ghost. Maybe they're avoiding those tough conversations or they think it's the easy way out. But we've also reminded you that they're not just one-dimensional characters. They've got their own complexities and finally we dove into the deep waters of moving forward after being ghosted. Healing after something like that. Well, it's a journey. Self-care and self-respect those are your trusty companions on this adventure.

Eva: 13:23

So a huge thank you to hanging out with me today. Your questions, your stories, your ideas for future episodes. They really mean the world to me. I'm here to chat with you and explore together. So don't hesitate to hit me up on social media. Your voice absolutely matters and it adds all the spice to our conversations. So keep it real, keep it kind and remember, when it comes to relationships, you deserve the best. Well, folks, that's a wrap on another episode of Queen of Swords. We hope you enjoyed the ride and that you're feeling a bit more empowered and a little bit less confused about the wild world of dating and relationships. Remember, when it comes to love, there are no easy answers, but with a little bit of humor, a lot of self-care and a trusty sword by your side. You can handle anything the heart throws your way. So until next time, keep your sword sharp, your heart open and your standards high. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcasting platform. Thanks for listening. We'll see you soon!